SOUTH PARK - MR. HANKEY'S CHRISTMAS CLASSICS (1999)
Cowboy Timmy:
We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny nose
And we all know Frosty who's made out of snow
But all of those stories seem kind of...gay
`Cause we all know who brightens up our holiday
Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo
Small and brown he comes from you
Sit on the toilet here he comes
Squeeze him 'tween your festive buns
A present from down below
Spreading joy with a "Howdy-Ho!"
He's seen the love inside of you
`Cause he's a piece of poo
Sometimes he's nutty
Sometimes he's corny
He can be brown or greenish brown
But if you eat fiber on Christmas eve
He might come to your town!
Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo
He loves me, I love you
Therefore, vicariously he loves you!
I can make a Mr. Hankey too!
Cartman:
Well Kyle where is he?
Kyle:
Ehh .. He's coming
Stan:
Come on dude, push
Kyle:
Ehhhh... I'm trying
Cartman:
Wait, wait I can see his head
Kyle:
Here he comes!
POP
Mr. Hankey:
Howdy Ho!
I'm Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo
Seasons Greetings to all of you!
Let's sing songs and dance and play
Now before I melt away
Here's a game I like to play
Stick me in your mouth and try to say
Howdy ho ho yum yum yum
Christmas Time has come!
Singers:
Sometimes He's runny
Sometimes he's firm
Sometimes he practically water.
Sometimes he hangs off the end of your ass
And wont fall in the toilet
'Cause he's just clinging to your sphincter
And he wont drop off .. and so you shake your ass around
And try to get it to drop in the toilet and finally it does
Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo
When Christmas leaves he must leave too
Flush him down but he's never gone
His smell and his spirit linger on
Howdy Ho!
Mr. Garrison:
I heard there is no Christmas in the silly Middle East
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus
They have different religious beliefs
They believe in Muhammad and not in our holiday
And so every December, I go to the Middle East and say
"Hey there Mr. Muslim
Merry fucking Christmas
Put down that book the Koran
And hear some holiday wishes
In case you haven't noticed
It's Jesus's birthday
So get off your heathen Muslim ass
And fucking celebrate
There is no holiday season in India I've heard
They don't hang up their stockings
And that is just absurd
They've never read a Christmas story
They don't know what Rudolph is about
And that is why in December
I'll go to India and shout
Hey there Mr. Hinduist
Merry fucking Christmas
Drink eggnog and eat some beef
And pass it to the missus
In case you haven't noticed
It's Jesus's birthday
So get off your heathen Hindu ass
And fucking celebrate
Now I heard that in Japan
Everyone just lives in sin
They pray to several gods
And put needles in their skin
On December 25th
All they do is eat a cake
And that is why I go to Japan
And walk around and say
Hey there Mr. Shintoist
Merry fucking Christmas
God is going to kick your ass
You infidelic pagan scum
In case you haven't noticed
There's festive things to do
So lets all rejoice for Jesus
And Merry fucking Christmas to you
On Christmas day I travel `round the world and say
Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists, and all you atheists too
Merry Fucking Christmas, to you
Thank you Mr. hat
Cartman:
And, O holy night! The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear Savior's b-b-b-birth
O holy night! The something something distant
It is the night with the Christmas trees and pie
Jesus was born and so I get presents
Thank you, Jesus for being born
Fall
On your knees
And, hear
The angel's... something voices
O night O night!
Divine Divine
The night when I get presents O-o-o
O night O night!
Beeef-caaakkkeee, O night
O night devine!
Ehh.. chmm
Juan:
Dead, Dead, Dead
Someday you'll be dead
Dead, Dead, Dead
Someday we'll all be dead
The minute we're born we start dying
We die a little more every day
Young or old, rich or poor
There's nothing we can do to stop it
So look long at that Christmas tree
It may be the last one that you see
Decorate your house in green and red
`Cause someday you'll be dead
Dead, Dead, Dead
Someday you'll be dead
Dead, Dead, Dead
Someday we'll all be dead
It might happen in a couple months
Or 50 years from now
But no matter when it happens
It will seem too soon to you
So be sure on Christmas Eve
When you snuggle into bed
That you thank God for your family
`Cause someday they'll be dead
Dead, Dead, Dead
Someday they'll be dead
Dead, Dead, Dead
Someday we'll all be dead
Choir:
Ah-ah!
Juan:
Who knows how many Christmases
Are left in their short life?
Nobody knows, that's my point
Enjoy them while you can
And so on Christmas morning
Let good tiding fill your head
What a festive season
Someday you'll be dead
Dead, Dead, Dead
Someday we'll be dead
Dead, Dead, Dead
Everyone you know, dead
A very merry Christmas to you
Dead, dead, dead
Choir:
Merry Christmas Everybody
Mr. Mackey:
Uh, Hark! hear the bells
Sweet silver bells
All seem to say,
"Ding Dong Mmmkay"
Christmas is here
Bringing good cheer
To young and old
Meek and the bold
Ding, dong, ding, dong
That is their song
With joyful ring
All caroling
One seems to hear
Words of good cheer
From everywhere
Filling the air
O, how they pound
Raising their sound
Or' Here and There
Telling their Tail
Gaily they ring
While people sing
Songs of good cheer
Christmas is here
Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas
Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas
On, on they send
On without end
Their joyful tone
To every home
Hark, hear the bells
Sweet silver bells
All seem to say,
"Ding Dong Mmmkay"
On, on they send
On without end
Their joyful tone
To every home
Ding dong ding dong .. mmmkay
Mmmkay
Kyle:
It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas
My friends wont let me join in any games
And I can't sing Christmas songs
Or decorate a Christmas tree
Or leave water out for Rudolph
`Cause there's something wrong with me
My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity
I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew
On Christmas
Hanukkah is nice but why is it
That Santa passes over my house every year?
And instead of eating ham I have to eat kosher latkes
Instead of Silent Night I'm singing Hoo Hact Toh Gaveesh
And what the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles please?
I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew
I can't be merry
`Cause I'm Hebrew
On Christmas
Celebrity Guest:
Hey little boy I couldn't help but hear
Your feeling left out of Christmas cheer
And I've come to say that you shouldn't be sad
This is the one month that you should be glad
Cause its nice to be a Jew on Christmas
You don't have to deal with the season at all
You don't have to be on your best behavior or give to charity
You don't have to have to go to grandma's house with your alcoholic family
Kyle:
And I don't have to sit on some fake Santa's lap
And have him breath is stinky breath on me
Celebrity Guest:
That's right, your a Jew!
Kyle:
A styling Jew!
Together:
Its a good time to be Hebrew
On Christmas
Celebrity Guest:
On Christmas
Shelley:
I saw three ships come sailing in, on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
I saw three ships come sailing in, on Christmas Day in the morning
And what was in the ships all three, on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
Boys:
[Laughter]
Shelley: Shut up, turds
And what was in the ships all three, on Christmas Day in the morning?
The Virgin Mary and Christ were there, on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
Boys:
[Laughter]
Shelley:
The Virgin Mary and-
Shut up, turds!
- and Christ were there, on Christmas Day in the morning
Let us all rejoice amain On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day.
Boys:
[Laughter Growing]
Shelley:
Let us all-
I told you to shut up!
-rejoice amain On Christmas Day in the morning.
Shelly is starting to get pissed, on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
Boys: [Nonstop Laughter]
Shelley:
Shelly got up and killed the turds, on Christmas Day, in the morning
Stan:
Howdy folks, lets go for a ride
Get your favorite one to sit by your side
Cuddle up in the sleigh
Giddy up Nellie Gray!
And away we go!
Wendy:
While you're listening to the sleigh bells ring
You're yodeling to your bay-be
You'll feel nice and warm
No matter how cold it may be!
Stan:
Take a look at little Jack and Jill
They ski down a hill
There's a snow plow turn
Look there's a spill
There's a spill on the hill
When you're down it's a thrill
To get up again.
Together:
Everybody ought to learn to ski
'Cause that's how we first met
Wendy:
We were that Jack and Jill
That came down a hill
Stan:
When I looked at you
My heart took a spill
Wendy:
Took a spill on a hill
Stan:
It's a thrill
Together:
That I can forget
It happened in Sun Valley
Not so very long ago
Stan:
There were sunbeams in the snow
And a twinkle in your eye
Wendy:
I remember, oh so clearly
That you nearly passed me by
Together:
Then it happened in Sun Valley
When you slipped and fell and so did I!
Wendy:
Catch me Stan!
Stan:
[BARF]
Wendy:
Ewwww!
Look, Stan! I made a snow angel
Stan:
[BARF]
Wendy:
Ewwww!
Together:
I remember oh so clearly
That you nearly passed me by
Then it happened in Sun Valley
When you tripped and fell and so did I
Stan:
Now every year we go back and then
Wendy:
We recall that fall and that moment when
Stan:
We were there on the hill
Together:
So we both take a spill
And we're Jack and Jill... again
Wendy:
[KISS]
Stan:
[BARF]
Wendy:
Ewwww!
Hitler:
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum
Wie grun sind deine Blatter!
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum,
Wie grun sind deine Blatter!
Du grunst nich nur zur Sommerzeit
Nein auch im Winter, wenn es schneit
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum,
Wie grun sind deine
[Weeping]
Satan:
Hey Hitler, what's the matter little guy?
Hitler:
Oh, Satan! O Tannenbaum wie grun sind deine Blatter!
Satan:
Oh, you don't have a Christmas tree?
Hitler:
Nein auch im Winter wenn es schneit
Satan:
Well I tell you what
Maybe we'll have ourselves a little Christmas, right here
C'mon everyone, gather `round
String up the lights and light up the tree
We're going to make some revelry
Spirits are high, so I can tell
It's Christmas time in hell
Demons are nicer as you pass them by
There's lots of demon toys to buy
The snow is falling and all is well
It's Christmas time in hell
There goes Jeffery Dahmer
With a festive Christmas ham
After he has sex with it
He'll eat up all he can
And there goes John F. Kennedy
Caroling with his son
Reunited for the holidays
God bless us, everyone
Everybody has a happy glow
Let's dance in blood and pretend its snow
Even Mao Tse-Tung is under the spell
It's Christmas time in hell
Adolf, here's a present for you.
Hitler:
Oh? O Tannenbaum!
Satan:
Yes, O Tannenbaum
God cast me down from Heaven's door
To rule in hell for evermore
But now I'm kinda glad that I fell
'Cause It's Christmas time in hell
Here's a rack to hang the stockings on
We still have to shop for Genghis Kahn
Michael Landon's hair looks swell
It's Christmas time in hell
There is Princess Diana
Holding burning mistletoe
Over poor Gene Siskel's head
Just watch his weenie grow
For one day we all stop burning
And the flames are not so thick
All the screaming and the torture stops
As we wait for old Saint Nick
So string up the lights and light up the tree
We're damned for all eternity
But for just one day all is well
It's Christmas time in hell
Gather close together and make it quick
We've gotta make room for Any Dick
Wake his mother and ring the bell
It's Christmas time, Christmas time
Christmas time, Christmas time
Christmas time, Christmas time
It's Christmas time in hell
Jimmy Stewart:
Merry Christmas Movie House
Chef:
Baby, you know there's a lot of love between us
Sometimes that love goes bad
But other times its so right
Yeah, I know we've been through some rough waters
But most of the time our thing is off the hook
I just want to know one thing
What child is this
You've laid to rest
At my feet
This is not the time
I know that I'm not responsible
It's white so it cannot be mine
No, this, this is Christ the King
With a feeling of relief
I cannot sing
Haste, haste to bring him laud
The Babe, the Son of Mary
Mmmmm, Son of Mary
Son of Mary
Little bitty baby
Mary
So, bring him incense, gold, and myrrh
Come peasant king to own Him
The King of kings, salvation brings
Let loving hearts enthrone Him
Raise, raise the song on high
The Virgin sings her lullaby
Joy, joy, for Christ is born
The Babe, the Son of Mary
Son of Mary Son of Mary
Little bitty baby Little bitty baby, yeah
I'm gonna lay you down by the yule log
I'm gonna gonna love you right
Baby, I'm gonna deck your halls
And silent your night
You'll hear the herald angels sing
When I'm sliding off your bra
I just can't wait to jingle your bells
And fa la la your la Fa la la your la
Fa la la your la
This, this is Christmas Day
A time for lovers to celebrate
I'm gonna ding dong you merrily on high
Because this is the season for giving
Give it to me baby, give it to me baby
Season for giving Season for giving, give me love
Season for living Season for living, give me love
Season for giving Season for giving
Giving you love Give me love
Giving you good love Season for good love
Whole lotta love Give me love
Making love Season for giving
By the fire Give me love
Whole lotta love Season for good love
By the fire Give me love
Don't need no mistletoe Season for giving
You've got toes Give me love
Whole lotta loving Season for good love
Love Give me love
Jingle bells Season for giving, give me love
Fa la la your la Season for good love, give me love
Mr. Hankey:
Santa Claus is on his way
He's loaded goodies on his sleigh
To drop them off on Christmas Day
And I'll say
Howdy Ho!
Kyle:
Mr. Hankey, shhhh! I'll get in trouble!
Mr. Hankey:
Folks will gather 'round the fire
Sing a song, join the choir
Pretty soon they'll all retire
And I'll say
Howdy Ho!
Gerald:
Kyle, what are you doing in there?
Kyle:
Nothing!
Gerald:
Open this door!
Mr. Hankey:
I hope that Santa comes real soon
And brings a-
Gerald:
Kyle!?!
Performed By Eric Cartman
Stockings are hung on the chimney,
And the presents are under the tree
And mama's in the kitchen
Making some herbal tea
Windows are covered with frost
And the candles are all alight
But as I wander through this quiet house
Something just doesn't seem right.
You see, every year, the neighbors bring us
A Swiss Colony Beef Log
But the neighbors aren't around around, around
There's no Beef Log to be found this year
Christmas isn't Christmas
Without a Swiss Colony Beef Log
Without those cheeses and meats
I don't think I can get along
Mother tries to comfort me
She says "Here, Son, have some eggnog"
I fucking hate eggnog, seriously
But what do I see
Underneath the tree?
Grandma got a Swiss Colony Beef Log just for me
Ah, ah, ah, Baby
Swiss Colony Beef Log, baby
That's what Christmas is all about
My prayer has finally come in a Beef Log baby
Makes a little boy scream and shout
Deck the halls with boughs of Swiss Colony
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la
Sweet
Choir: Hark, the Herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn king
Peace on earth and Murray mild
God and sinners reconciled
Joyful all ye nations rise
Join the triumph of the skies
Hark, the Herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn king
Kyle:
OK, Ike, you're my little brother, so I have to show you how to celebrate Hanukkah
This is called a dreidel. You spin it and see where it lands, and you sing this song
I have a little dreidel
I made it out of clay
And when it's dry and ready
With dreidel I shall play
Oh Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
With dreidel I shall play
Now you try it, Ike. Just spin it with your fingers, like this
Ike:
H-I-J-K-L-O-P
Um, like, this song, go all the way
Play, came down the rain and wash the spider out
Cartman:
Hey, what the hell are you doing?
Kyle:
Oh, hey, Cartman. We're playing dreidel. You wanna try?
Cartman:
Sure
Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay
But I'm not gonna play with it, 'cause dreidel's fuckin' gay
Kyle:
Hey, shut your mouth, fatass.
Cartman:
Jews, play stupid games
Jews, that's why they're lame
Jews, play stupid games
Jews, that's why they're lame
Kyle:
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
With dreidel I shall play
Stan:
What's going on? Oh, it's that Hannukah thing.
Cartman:
It's so amazing. You spin this thing on the ground and it goes round and round. I could watch it all day.
Stan:
Let me try
I'll try to make it spin
It fell, I'll try again
I'll try to make it spin
It fell, I'll try again
I'll try to make it spin
It fell, I'll try again
I'll try to make it spin
It fell. I'll try again
Kyle:
Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
With dreidel I shall play
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
With dreidel I shall play
Cartman:
Jews, play stupid games
Jews, that's why they're lame
Jews, play stupid games
Jews, that's why they're lame
Sheila:
Hello, boys
Kyle:
Hi, Mom
Sheila:
Oh, how precious! You boys are all playing dreidel
Now you know that dreidel is a time-honored tradition for the Hebrew people
Cartman:
Yes, we know, Ms. Broslovski, It's so very interesting
Sheila:
Now when you learn to make to make a dreidel spin
You'll know our people always win
Learn to make to make a dreidel spin
You'll know our people always win
Cartman:
Jews, play stupid games
Jews, that's why they're lame
Kyle:
Oh, hi, Dad!
Gerald:
Hello, everybody. Say, can I join in?
Kyle:
Sure
I have a little dreidel
I made it out of clay
And when it's dry and ready
With dreidel I shall Everybody
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
With dreidel I shall play
Sheila:
Now when you learn to make to make a dreidel spin,
You'll know our people always win.
Learn to make to make a dreidel spin
you'll know our people always win
Stan:
I'll try to make it spin
It fell. I'll try again
I'll try to make it spin
It fell. I'll try again
Cartman:
Jews, play stupid games.
Jews, that's why they're lame.
Gerald:
Courtney Cox, I love you
You're so hot on that show
Courtney Cox, I love you
You're so hot on that show
Courtney Cox, I love you
You're so hot on that show
Courtney Cox, I huh
Kyle:
Dad, Dad....we're singing about a dreidel
Gerald:
Oh, sorry.
Sheila:
We'll talk about this later, Gerald
Kyle:
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
With dreidel I shall play
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
With dreidel I shall play
Cartman:
Jews, play stupid games
Jews, that's why they're lame
Jews, play stupid games
Jews, that's why they're lame
Stan:
I'll try to make it spin
It fell. I'll try again
I'll try to make it spin
It fell. I'll try again
Gerald:
Courtney Cox, I love you
You're so hot on that show
Courtney Cox, I love you
You're so hot on that show
Sheila:
Now when you learn to make to make a dreidel spin
You'll know our people always win
Now when you learn to make to make a dreidel spin
you'll know our people always win
Mr. Hankey:
Howdy Ho!
The Virgin Mary was sleeping when Angel Gabriel appeared
He said, "You are to be the virgin mother"
And Mary thought that was weird.
Kenny:
For she said, "I'm not a virgin"
I sucked a dick this year
Mr. Hankey:
But then Gabriel said to Mary
"My child, have no fear"
Kenny:
For you can suck all the dick you want
Together:
And still be a virgin, Mary!
Kenny:
You can suck all the dick you want
Mr. Hankey:
And still not be considered flawed
Kenny:
I know you'd like to play
And suck right through the night
Together:
You're still a virgin in the eyes of God
Mr. Hankey:
There was no room at the inn
When Mary and Joseph did arrive
They were so very tired you see
Kenny:
Mmmmmppppppppph
Mr. Hankey:
She said she had no money
Kenny:
And she needed a place to sleep
Mr. Hankey:
Gabriel appeared to Mary and told her not to weep
Kenny:
Because you can suck all the dick you want
And still be a virgin, Mary
You can suck all the dick you want
Mr. Hankey:
And still be the mother of Christ
Together
If there's no room at the inn
It's not considered a sin
Kenny
To suck a dick to get a place to sleep
Mr. Hankey:
That's right
And three wise men did appear
Bearing gifts of myrrh and such
They said that they had followed a star
And missed a woman's touch
Kenny:
Mary said: "It's such a tragedy I cannot take them to bed."
Mr. Hankey:
But again Gabriel appeared to her and this is what he said
Kenny:
You can suck all the dick you want
Together:
And still be a virgin, Mary
Kenny:
You can suck all the dick you want
Mr. Hankey:
Every one in the nation
Kenny:
Fellatio ain't no sin
So have a dildo three miles in
Mr. Hankey:
And you'll still be a virgin
Kenny:
If they don't come in your pussy
Kenny:
You can suck all the dick you want
Together:
And still be a virgin, Mary
Kenny:
You can take it from the ox and the lamb
Mr. Hankey:
And even the little drummer boy
Folks will remember your name quick
Kenny:
For deep throating the biggest dick
Together:
Because sucking dick bring peace on Earth and joy
Kenny:
Because sucking dick
Mr. Hankey:
Bring peace on Earth and joy
Kenny:
You can suck my dick
Mr. Ose:
Jaa, kokode yuumei na kurisumasu no uta o otodoke itashi masu
(Then, here I'll present the famous christmas song.)
We three king of orient are
Bearing gift we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
O-o-o-o-oh
Star of wonder, star of night
Star of royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to thy perfect light
Mr. Hankey:
Well, I guess that's about the end of my Christmas album. Gosh, it was sure nice hanging
out with y'all again! And I guess if there's just one thing I have left to say, it would be this
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yuletide gay
From now on, our troubles will be miles away
All:
Here we are, as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more
Boys:
Through the years, we all will be together
If the fates allow
Mr. Hankey:
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
All:
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now
Cartman:
Time to go, Mr. Hankey
Mr. Hankey:
Good-bye, everybody
[Flush]
And Merry Christmas!!
Kyle:
Bye, Mr. Hankey. See you next year